TLoZ: The 'Bringoutyour dead' Bell of Time
by Biggoron
Summary: If you like funny Zelda parodies, Monty Python, and making fun of commercial Icons, then this story is DEFINITELY for you. Link's a retard, Navi's been replaced with a rabbid swallow, and the Evil of the land is...
1. Chapter 1

_**THE LEGEND OF ZELDA:**_

The 'Bring-out-your-dead' Bell of Time 

**A Note from the Author: **Well, if any of you know me, then you'd know that I can't write a serious Action/Adventure without writing some humor along with it. My current Legend of Zelda Story, Hyrule's Final War, is strictly serious (If you're reading it, you haven't seen anything, yet). Therefore, I must write a separate story that is strictly humor. This is that story. 100 humor… and for those of you who've read my other Zelda humor fic The Legend of Kaepora Gaebora, a Oneshot… this should be funnier. I've noticed that there are a lot of fics that are humorous parodies of Ocarina of Time… well, I've enjoyed them. They're hilarious. I hope for this fic to go down as one of the best of them. After this, unlike my other stories, there will be no author's notes at the beginnings of the chapters. I ask that you sit back, crack open a coconut, (You'll understand the pun, later…) and enjoy!!

**Note:** Unless you are familiar with the aspects of Monty Python, and random commercial Icons, you may be confused, and not get the humor within. If you've seen Monty Python, and the Holy Grail, then you should be all set… Also, Link IS a dumbass in this fic.

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own the legend of Zelda, Monty Python, then random commercial Icons, and everything else within, but I do own a Claymore Sword, and it's really big. (Seriously… I do.)

**-PROLOGUE-**

Once upon a time, in the Land of Hyrule… there lived a boy without a fairy in the forests, blah, blah, blah…

…And we see Link rolling around in his little stump of a bed…

"No… no… why did you leave Mr. Ginger Bread Man…? Why did you leave me alone…? WHY???? WHYYYYY??????" Link exclaimed in his sleep, so loud, that all of hyrule could hear it. Even the dark shady villain of this story from his hideaway…

_-Link's Nightmare-_

Link was standing outside the gates of Hyrule castle. He had a Spork strapped to his back, along with a piece of bark. A European swallow was flying closely around his head. It was a dark and rainy night… thunder suddenly illuminated the sky. Suddenly, the drawbridge of Hyrule castle opened, and a white horse came galloping by. Unfortunately, Link was a sped, so he didn't move out of the horse's way. He was immediately trampled.

-Squeesh-

Link then (amazingly) got up, and turned around. Behind him was…

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

…NOTHING!!!

Link simply scratched his head in confusion. Suddenly the wall five feet next to the completely open gate burst open, revealing none other than…

…The Kool-Aid man, giving a double thumbs-up. (Cue Evil Ganondorf Music) "OH YEAH!!!" He exclaimed in a both loud and very deep voice. Link then looked upon the Kool-Aid man in a horrified expression of fear.

_-In real Time, during all This-_

"Yo! Navi! Navi the swallow!!" The Great Deku Tree exclaimed. Suddenly, a European Swallow flew out of the tree, and to its face.

"CAW!!" The swallow exclaimed. (What do you want, firewood?)

"Like, Swallow, have you sensed it?" The Great Deku Tree asked.

"CAW!!" (What do you think, dumbass? I was trying to make a nest in your branches, and all of a sudden, you shake madly!!!)

"Tubular. You know, my power is fading, like, because of this giant hole in me… could you go fetch that loser kid?" The Deku Tree asked.

"Caw…" (Fine, but I'll be back to burn you later…)

…The European Swallow then picks up a coconut, and flies through Link's window… while Link is muttering something about a bearded dog; the swallow drops the coconut on Link's face, thus waking him up…

Link grunts, and falls out of bed. The swallow then picks Link up, flies outside, and drops him fifteen feet to the ground. Link's bones crunch. He gets up, and notices that his arm is limp. He begins swinging it around wildly while giggling. A leprechaun with a fairy following it then walks up to Link.

"Link, finally have a fairy, eh, laddie? Oh wait… that's a stupid swallow!!" The leprechaun says, and then falls upon the ground in laughter. Link's swallow then eats the leprechaun's fairy, and begins to gouge the leprechaun's eyes out with its beak. The leprechaun screams in horror as the swallow begins to disembowel him with its beak. He dies in a bloody mess with a look of horror upon his face.

Link then looks upon the bloody beak of his newfound companion, and begins to walk away slowly toward the Great Deku Tree. A leprechaun is guarding the path. "Cannot pass here, laddie! Ahahah!!" The leprechaun exclaims. Navi the swallow then swoops down and begins pecking its beak through the leprechaun's head. "Ah! He's after me lucky charms!!" The leprechaun exclaims, running off, the swallow still in pursuit. Link begins to walk through, and he then hears the faint leprechaun screams. "Part of this complete breakfaaaaa-OW!!! Ahh! No! Nohoho!!! NOOOOO!!!!" (Insert random flesh-tearing noises, here).

The swallow then catches up to Link, its beak completely drenched in blood. Link has a panicked look on his face, but knows that he cannot run away. They soon come to a clearing.

Screen scrolls up (cue Great Deku Tree theme). They see a gigantic tree that has a goatee, and the upper branches form a Mohawk. "Tubular. Finally here, little dudes. Like, the Kool-Aid Dude sent down his bunch of gnarly Spanish Inquisitor dudes, but they kinda ripped through my side, creating this large, not-so-gnarly and very unsightly hole in me, and I'm like, dying. So, could you radical little dudes, like, use the hole to get inside me, and kill off the Spanish inquisition? That would be gnarly." The Deku tree exclaimed. Before Link could say anything, Navi picked him up with its beak, and threw him inside the giant gaping hole in the deku tree.

End of Chapter 

Hope you liked it. If you didn't, it will get better. Here are the new character roles so far:

-Link A retard

-Ganondorf The Kool-Aid Man (No wall is safe)

-Mido/The Kokiri Lucky Charms-Obsessed Leprechauns

-The Deku Tree Some kind of Gangster-Hippie (If that's possible)

Until Next Chapter,

Biggoron


	2. Nnobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition!

_Chapter 1:_

_Nnnnnnnobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!_

Link looked around the inside of the tree, and spotted a Deku Baba. "Look! A pretty flower!!" He exclaimed, running toward the carnivorous purple plant. As he sniffed it, it bit his nose. "OWIE!!" Link exclaimed. It was about to attack him again, but Navi pecked a hole in the plant's head, and then stabbed its beak straight through it, obviously killing the plant, and then mercilessly spearing the dead body with its beak many more times just for good measure.

"CAW!!" (That was a Deku Baba, Dumbass!)

Link, not able to understand what the bird was saying, decided to give it a hug. "Thanks little birdie!" He exclaimed happily, embracing the poor suffocating bird.

Big Mistake.

The bird poked him in the left eye several times, causing Link to temporarily go blind in that one eye. He then went back to the village, and bought an eye patch, then went back to the deku tree's meadow. "YAR! I'm a pirate!!" Link exclaimed. The Deku tree just sighed.

"Look little dude, you like, totally might find it radical to equip yourself with a sword and perhaps a shield." The Deku tree exclaimed.

"Of course. That's why I brought this Spork from home!" Link exclaimed, taking out the fork-spoon hybrid of an eating utensil.

"So, like, what about a shield little dude?" The Deku Tree asked.

Link sat there. And he thought. And he thought. And he thought some more. The sun went down, and then came up the next day. And went down again. And then came up. And then stopped midway to stare angrily at Link.

"CAW!!" (Get on with it!!) Navi exclaimed.

"Get on with it!!" The Deku Tree exclaimed.

"Get on with it!!" The sun exclaimed.

"Get on with it!!" Toucan Sam exclaimed.

"Get on with it!!" Tim the Enchanter yelled.

"Get ooooonnnn witthhhhh itttttttt!!!!" Biggoron yelled.

"GET ON WITH IT! OH YEAH!!" The Kool-Aid man exclaimed.

A dimly lit candlestick with the candle wax barely used then appeared above Link's head, signifying he had an idea. Unfortunately, as soon as the wick was lit, the candle melted right down to the candleholder.

Navi then pecked Link in the back of the head, hopefully giving his brain the energy it needed to think. Link then decided to go to the great deku tree to rip a piece of bark off, and use it as a shield. The Deku Tree's eyes then became teary.

Big Mistake.

**WARNING: The following paragraph contains lots of profanities.**

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT GODDAMN HURTS YOU LITTLE MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I AM GOING TO EAT YOUR SHITTY-ASS SOUL YOU GODDAMN RETARDED LITTLE MOTHERFUCKING FUCKER OF A FUCK!!!!!! I SHALL—…"

**Ok. It's safe. No more rapid profanities.**

Everyone was silently staring at the Deku Tree. Even the sun.

The Deku Tree cleared his throat. "Ahem. Sorry little dudes." He stated. "Just, like, go in there and kill the Spanish inquisition, ok? That would be tubular."

"Hoy es? Mucho Frio! Es muy Caliente? Oui, Oui, Je ne pas Espanol!!" Link exclaimed.

"CAW!!" (I'm not even going to ask…) Navi stated, picking Link up, and tossing him inside the great Deku Tree.

…_Five Minutes Later…_

"Look little birdie! I think I can climb these walls." Link said, beginning to scale the sides of the great deku tree.

"Caw…" (I'll just let him learn what those Skullwalltulas are the hard way…) Navi sighed.

"Oh! Hello little spider! Are you my friend? Oh, he just turned purple! I think he likes me!"

Navi sighed as the spider collided with Link, knocking him really far back, into a hole filled with spider webs. Link bust through these and continued to fall. Navi just flew after him, and found Link in the water in the level below. Unfortunately for Link, he landed in the shallow part.

"Owie." Link stated, getting up, and looking around.

"CAW!!" (Come on, Dumbass. Let's just look for the Spanish Inquisition…)

…_One hour later…_

Link was on the bottom most level of the tree. Suddenly, three deku scrubs popped up and attacked him.

"Twenty-Three is number one!!" They shouted simultaneously.

"Wait… were we supposed to tell them our weakness…?" One of them asked the other two.

"No… I think that line belonged to the Deku scrub on the floor above…" The second said.

"Then why did we say it?" The third sighed.

"Beats me." The second said.

"I dunno." The first stated.

"Dumbasses…" The third sighed.

"Hey, you said it, too!!" The second said.

"Hablas par Francais? Es muy pantelones! Pantelones! Pantelones! Pantelones! Hay que regar las Pantelones!!!" Link exclaimed.

Navi and the three scrubs stared at Link.

"….Huh….?" They all asked simultaneously.

Link then shifted him eyes, and let out a creepily high-pitched Native-American war cry.

"AI-AI-AI-AI-AI-AI-AI-AI-AI-AH!!!" Link exclaimed, and then clicking his teeth. He threw his Spork at one of the deku scrubs. It hit the poor thing in the eye.

"AHHH!!! MY EYE!!!" It exclaimed. The other two shot deku nuts at link, who held his piece of bark up. The deku nuts went straight through the bark, but bounced off Link's thick skull.

"Aw… now I have to get a new shield…" Link sighed.

During all this, Navi decided to put the poor suffering scrub out of its misery, and kill off the other two while she was at it.

Link then picked up his fork. "Good teamwork." He said. Navi slapped her forehead with her wing, and continued through the next door, with Link following. The room was very dark, and a thin layer of mist was settled on the ground.

Link sighed. "Look, we've searched this entire tree top to bottom! The Spanish Inquisition aren't in the tree anymore! I'm not expecting the Spanish inquisition to be in this-

Just as Link was finishing up, the wall across the far side of the room bust down like it was paper, and made a sound that sounded like a cannonball came through the tree. The Spanish Inquisition emerged. "Nnnnnnnobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!" They exclaimed.

"The Spanish Inquisition? I wasn't expecting that." Link said.

Inquisitors from Spain who are never expected and have a fanatical devotion to the Pope THE SPANISH INQUISITION 

"Ooohh… Subtitles." Link marveled.

"Bring out… the comfy chair!!" A Spanish Inquisitor exclaimed.

"Si, Si! Hablas Espanol? Me llamo Frio!" Link exclaimed.

The Spanish Inquisitors just stared at Link. "Ha! We are Spanish! We understand your horrible blabbering! Yes, we do understand Spanish… and your name cannot be Cold."

"Oui? Je ne pas Fregadero!!!!" Link exclaimed.

The Spanish inquisition stared at Link. "Eh… French mutterings… kitchen sink…?"

"Si, oui! Cumpleanos pantalones y lavbo regar las pantalones!!" Link exclaimed.

"What the fuck did he just say?" One of the inquisitors asked the other.

"I don't know…" Another reply.

They begin to mutter to each other in Spansh gibberish.

"CAAAAWWWW!!!" (ENOUGH!!!) Navi Exclaimed, flying over to them, and drilling their brains out of their skull with her beak.

"Noooooooooo!!!" The Spanish Inquisition yelled, as they were enveloped by Bluish-White Flames. The defeated boss music then plays, and a piece of heart appears on one end of the room, and a blue light on the other.

Link looked at the heart, to the blue light. Then back to the heart, and then back to the blue light. Then at his foot, then to the blue light, then to the heart, then to his hand, then back to the heart.

"Someone left me Valentine's Day chocolates!!" Link exclaimed, running over to the Heart container, and biting the corner. He then proceeded to shove the heart down his throat, until he ate the whole thing.

Extra heart container!

Navi then dragged Link into the blue light, and then appeared back in front of the great Deku tree.

"Tubular. So you killed the Spanish Inquisition. Far out. Too bad it didn't really matter. I was, like, going to die, anyway." The Deku tree said.

Link just looked at the tree.

"I'm kidding, little dude. I'm like, totally going to live, now. Radical, huh? Here, take this far out green glowing thingy as appreciation." The Deku Tree said, as the Lucky Charms' Emerald appeared out of nowhere. It was a glowing green box of Lucky Charms, the sacred treasure of the leprechauns.

"Oh… and by the way, I need a new shield…" Link said, ripping another piece of bark off of the Great Deku Tree.

"Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!- You –bleepin'- -bleep- -bleep- -bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee---

The Deku Tree then died from the pain of getting his bark ripped off.

"CAW!!" (Way to go, dumbass, he was supposed to live…)

"…Stupid Tree. He seems to have died… oh well…" Link said, he then looked around. "…I'm leaving this forest."

"Caw…" (What a world I live in…)

End of Chapter 

Well, how was It? Hoped you liked it.

-Biggoron


End file.
